*****************I wrote the following blog post a few days ago. I wasn't sure if I wanted to post it, I do that with lots of post some times, but I like it and want to have it recorded on this blog.******************************
There is something about warmer, sunnier weather that makes people ( mainly, me and my children) happier, it makes the stresses in life just melt off your shoulders and feel less.....stressful. Three days of "warm" sunny weather has really lifted the spirits in our home, well for me at least, and when Momma is happy everyone is happy, right? I know it won't last forever and inevitably with in the next few days clouds may roll in, rain may fall, but what a nice break we got to enjoy, even if it was only for two days! And even if the clouds roll in and the temps drop I feel like I'm in a better mood and nothing can break that, and that I'll just look forward to the next sunny warm streak.
I think I have just been in a mild state of seasonal depression, and I know it affected the kids too. The lack of sunshine really got to me, that and being in a new place in life, feeling like I don't fit in yet, has really got me down. And, it also doesn't help that I'm pregnant (hormonal) and feeling like crap, on top of all the illnesses I contracted this winter! Yes you heard me right I'm pregnant with #4, surprise! :) Well, it wasn't really a surprise for us, but maybe for some of you it is. Anyway I think all of this going on at once made me down and out. It made me neglect the blog, kind of lose touch with the things I like to do....slip into a mild seasonal (feel sorry for myself) depression. I was just going through the motions daily, hoping to just get through each day, and not really caring to love what I do or to even be the happy person I like to be.
I'm pretty much a "Glass is half full" kind of person most of the time but lately I've just been in this "I don't care what the glass is just get it away from me" type of person which is just as bad as the "Glass is half empty" person. But Honestly just being in a better mood because of two things: one, I'm finally starting to feel better pregnancy wise and health wise and two, because the sun has come out (literally) which just brightens my whole attitude and I just feel like more of the "Glass is half full" me again.
We are most likely going to have to move this summer when our Contract is up, the owners are looking into selling the house and it's looking like one family is really interested in buying. We are not in a place where we can or even would buy, so buying it ourselves is not an option. At first I was MAD! That wasn't MY plan, this can't happen! I was planning on staying put for another year. But nooooo they decided to put it up for sale (which we knew would be likely to happen when we signed the lease) and ruin my plans. This sucks, I hate that we are being forced to move....yada yada yada...bad attitude bad attitude!
When the sun came out, my attitude changed. Now, with my better attitude I'm feeling like this might be a blessing in disguise, of a small bump in our road to where we need to be. In all honesty getting this house (even for a short time) was a blessing, it worked out perfect and I have to believe that moving out is going to be the same. I HATE moving, hate it! Not sure that anyone really loves it but some people do it so often that they don't loath it like I do. BUT I have come to accept that, until we know for sure where we want to settle down to finish raising our family, we'll have to move at least a couple more times and it's tough accepting that fact but I have come to accept it. I think I wouldn't hate moving so much if people packed up all our stuff for us, moved it for us, unpacked it for us.....yeah that would be way easier! But we aren't in a position to pay for movers and we aren't in and job or the Army where they come and do it for you AND Pay for it, so thus my negative feelings about packing up all our stuff (which is a lot when you have kids, they have so much crap!) just to unpack it, to eventually repeat the whole process again, its a bit daunting. Okay so my "better attitude" isn't great but it's better than my bitter nasty attitude I had before, baby steps!
Anyway, right now we don't know what our immediate future holds. We know the long term goal and that we'll eventually get there but it seems like the little phases and steps to get us there are not quite visible to us yet, which is a little scary some times. We aren't sure if Cory will stay in this practice he's at, he likes it for the most part but there are so many contributing factors when deciding where to settle down, if the job is right, if the location is right, if we are supposed to be here or if there is some other opportunity out there that would be better for us....The whole not-knowing-right-now-thing kind of stretches my patience, and stresses me out a bit, but increases my Faith and though it's not easy it's a good thing. It shapes me. It strengthens me spiritually and emotionally and to know we are not forgotten and that there is a plan and all we need to do is our part and that we will be taken care of and it will work out, knowing that and having that Faith gives me comfort and when you feel like you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel just yet, you need that comfort. I'm grateful for that comfort.
As I thought about the nice weather I thought about my life/attitude being much like the weather. It's been pretty gloomy outside, before the nice weather came along, and when the sun did shine it was FREEZING out and you could only enjoy it from inside. Just like that, I was gloomy, not happy and when I was happy I wasn't enjoying it to the fullest, I kept that cold temperature in my heart, I was bitter about things out of my control. Well the blessings of A loving Heavenly Father came (along with spring being around the corner) and the sun came out with its warmth and brought happiness, literally. My eyes were opened and my heart was softened and I could feel the warmth over come me and give me hope and strength. I know that the "weather" will change, it will not stay warm forever, the sun will hide at some point but I feel like I can handle it now, that I'm recharged. I also know that the bad weather is not forever either. There are ups and downs all year round and I just need to patiently wait it out through the rough times. Life is not always sunshine and roses. Storms come our way our whole life, whether they are big or small we are not always going to be in a consistent 72 degree sunny blissful state of being. I know this, I've known if for a long time. But what I know now, is, if we endure the rough times "waiting it out" with Faith the Sun will shine again, the blessings will come and when that Sun does come out I need to remember to first, be grateful for it(my blessings), then I recharge (take advantage of it) and prepare for when the storms will eventually hit again.
Can you imagine life as always being 72 and blissful? At first thought I think "Heck yeah!" but then I think we'd get bored of it or at least I know we'd stop appreciating it to the fullest. I know if we didn't suffer we wouldn't know or appreciate all the good things we have in our lives. So as I go through this phase of "what's next?" "what should we do?" "where is this taking us?" this, not-knowing-it-all-right-now phase, I can know that some day when it's 72 degrees again, I can remember how hard it was getting to that temperature and what we went through to get there and how blessed I am to be there.
I know this post may sound really lame, cheesy or like I'm trying too hard to be all "Spiritual" or whatever, but it's just how I've been feeling lately and I wanted to record it. So judge all you want, I'm just putting myself and my thoughts out there so I can look back and remember what I learned along the way.
I'm just grateful..... for the changes in life that make me learn, grow and stretch me to my capacity and then the blessings that follow.
How can I not be grateful?!
2 comments:
You are wonderful, Kristin. I don't think anyone would think you are being lame. :) And spirituality shouldn't just be reserved for Sunday or "spiritual blog posts" :). This is what you were feeling and it SHOULD be recorded - for you to remember and for other people to grow from. I know that I, for one, definitely understand how you feel. I've felt much the same over similarly uncertain circumstances or phases of my life. Some recently, some in the past - but I DO know that early pregnancy really doesn't always lend to the "sunniest" of dispositions. :) Speaking from experience, here. Gah. Going through that first trimester in the darkest and nastiest part of the year is a killer. I've done it three times now and can see the pattern. :) Don't be too hard on yourself. As you said, it passes. It passes and somehow life slowly seems warmer and happier and enjoyable again. Thank goodness! :) I loved your analogy. I thought it was perfect. Thanks for sharing. Once again, I'd love to have you come up and visit us sometime. I know it's a bit of a trek, but if you have a free day sometime, let me know. We'd love to see you!
I know how you feel. Things are all up in the air for when Tyler graduates in July and I hate not having everything planned out! That and the weather sure brings me down! I always get seasonal depression...usually taking lots of Vitamin D helps me out. Can't wait to see you guys during spring break!!!
Post a Comment