It may sound like boring work but I love it because I love them

It's almost spring break for the kids, Hallelujah! They are driving me crazy and I think they just need a break! I need a break but with them being home from school it just means I don't get a spring break. I think they are just feeling cooped up and have spring fever. Although by the look of the weather around us lately it doesn't really look and/or feel like it is Spring here (except for all the rain). We are ready for some SUN and a "vacation".

We are going to Utah for part of our Spring break and I have lots of stuff to get done, clean house, the-never-ending-laundry, bathrooms, make phone calls, plan fun activities, pack bags for 5 people.....the list goes on and on....and on....so I thought since I feel overwhelmed I'm going to stall and blog :) That's what I do when I feel overwhelmed, I stall and when I stall I blog :) But I can justify it, it's a good thing to do, it's what I consider my journaling so it's good.

I'm not very eloquent in putting my thoughts into words, sentences, paragraphs like other people but I have thoughts and I'm going to try to express them in my way.....

Often I feel looked down upon by "the world" because all I "do" is stay at home. In my heart I know it's what I was meant to do. I know it is really what I love, I do, I love being a Mother. And it doesn't matter how many times I hear a General Authority or Prophet of the Lord talk about the importance of mothers, I can still feel the worlds judgements, not that I care what the world thinks or that it effects what I do, but I feel it nonetheless. Though in my heart I know it's a good thing to want to be with my children and the right choice for ME and MY family, I still feel.....looked down upon, like I'm less of a "Woman" because I don't work outside the home.

Some times my mind tries to tell me things like "Well, so-and-so is a Mom AND works/goes to school (fill in the blank)" or my mind says "Is driving kids around all day, buying/making/preparing food for them all day, wiping bums all day, really that important that I have to be the one doing it?" and there are other thoughts similar to these that pop into my head on a daily basis, some times on hard days they pop into my head multiple times a day. Please tell me I'm not alone here? If you don't I'm gonna feel a bit guilty :/

When People ask "So, do you just stay at home all day with your kids" I wish I could say "YES!" with less of the "I'm sorry, is that bad? but yes I do" tone. Ya know? That word "JUST" really gets to me when people say it that way, and I know what most people mean by it and it's harmless really but it can some times sound like the "well staying home for your kids isn't all that much work so there's bound to be something else you do, right?" tone and THAT bothers me.

I know I should not let it get me down, but some times it "gets" to me and I feel like saying "WELL, I'd LOVE to go back to school or go to work or have a really time consuming awesome hobby (like traveling the world) but I feel strongly about being here for my kids at this time in their young lives and I can JUST stay at home so I do! It's not easy on our pocket book, but we make it work and we feel good about it so....what's it to ya!?" But I don't say that, I usually say "Yep!" and sigh and invisibly rolls my eyes and try to remind myself it doesn't matter what they think I know in my heart it's what I need to be doing. But why does it have to be hard for my brain and my heart to connect and make me feel so confidant in MY choices for MY family that I could answer those questions confidently with no doubts or fears trying to sneak their way in?

I have my moments though where I think "This is tough work, it would be WAY easier to just go to work all day and come home to happy kids and put them to bed and do the same thing the next day." But then I have those moments where I'm like "This is why I do this, THIS is what it's all about and I wouldn't miss it for the world!" Moments, I love those moments. I have on most days those moments where there are those "gifts" my kids give me, they aren't physical gifts but gifts of love, joy, learning, spiritual gifts that only kids can give to a Mother and only if the Mother pays close attention to what she is receiving from her Children. I don't know how to explain them but I think any Mother knows what I'm talking about. I have days where I'm sure I don't pay enough attention to my kids and opportunities/gifts go unnoticed, but for the most part I look for them, I need them some times to just get through each day.

A couple of days ago I was reading a chain of emails from an old, good, friend of mine from college. She's one of those friends that we don't keep in touch that well over the last 10 years and our lives are quite different from one another, but when we do reconnect we feel the same about each other and it feels like, though things have changed our friendship has not. I love those friends and I have a few of them and I love that I can just pick up where we left off and reconnect. Anyway I was reading through this chain of emails back and forth between us which were spread out over a couple years time and in this latest one we hadn't kept in touch very well and we both really didn't know what the other was up to or what was new in their lives. So I asked her what was new with her and she responded and then asked me what was new with me and my family and I responded to her, but I remember thinking "Wow, I don't have any exciting things I do to tell her about, and is she really interested in hearing about my stay at home job?" I thought "Should I even try to make it sound glamorous?" Because as most moms know it is not glamorous at all, most days. I remember thinking for just a moment "well I don't have much to update her on because I do the same thing I did seven years ago and that is just stay at home." I caught myself repeating what others say to me, "just". So I decided to have a better attitude about what I did and be proud and tell her about it with confidence, so I did.

I reread my response and it just struck me......My heart yelled "Be proud of who you are, what you do and why you do it!" and as I read my response I cried because my heart and brain finally connected and I felt overwhelmed with this sense of confidence and pure joy in my roll as, not just a Mother, but as A stay at Home Mother.

Here is what I wrote:
"About me/us:
I have three kids now (I like to take it slow, none of this 18 months apart stuff for me ;) my oldest Eden, whom you've met, is already seven and in second grade. It blows my mind that next year she'll be eight and be able to choose to be baptized! My boy, Jonah, is now five and in K-G, he is a funny kid, and by funny I mean strange :)But we love him. And my sweet baby girl Lahna (pronounced law-nuh) is 16 months old and we are on the count down until she can enter the amazing world of NURSERY! She's wild and crazy and cute and funny! And by cute, I mean GORGEOUS and by funny, I mean hilarious! She makes me jealous daily of her beautiful blue eyes and long LONG eye lashes and it doesn't take much from her to get the whole house laughing, we sure love having her around. So as you can guess my days are spent caring for these amazing little people. I do the usual cook, clean, entertain, chauffeur, play, love, clean clean clean....for these kiddos. It may sound like boring work but I love it because I love them. I'm not as crafty as some home-makers but I try and I make my home, just that, a home but most importantly We and make the kids feel loved and that is home enough for anyone."

I broke down at the part where I said "It may sound like boring work but I love it because I love them!" It hit me at that moment that THAT is why I do it, I love them so much that I want to sacrifice my wants for their needs. I forgot that I could do that. That I could love someone, or little people and a husband in my case, so much that I would sacrifice anything that I would want, for them. How selfish of me to forget the importance of what I do, how silly of me to "get down" when I feel like less of a Woman because of what others think. WHO CARES, what other things, who cares!? I know a few people who really care (my husband, my parents, most important My Father in Heaven) and they are the ones supporting me and loving me and encouraging me in this roll I play, and for them I am thankful!

So I thought I need to say something in my brain that connects to my heart when I get that "just" question asked to me. I thought I need to say to myself I don't "just" stay at home, I GET to stay at home to be the Mother I want to be. I don't need to feel judged nor judge others for being different in what we chose to do. For some it is a choice to do other things on top of being a Mother, and that is okay! For others it is not a choice and they must work or go to school to help the family and that is okay too! So I need to remember to be grateful that I "get" to stay home, I get to have that as a choice option in my life, and I am thankful that I can.

I'm not gonna lie there are days where I say "Never mind this is too hard, can I change my mind? Can I go to work?" But more times I say "Thank Heavens I can do this for my family".

I'll just end with one last thing I liked about what I said in my email...

"I'm not as crafty as some home-makers but I try and I make my home, just that, a home but most importantly We and make the kids feel loved and that is home enough for anyone."

I'm grateful I get to make my home a home for my husband and kids, it's not easy but I'm grateful for my roll.